Thinking back to my mom happens more often now.
Mom passed away December 19, 2016. She was seventy-nine years old and had been struggling with Lewy Body dementia and chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder (COPD). At one point the doc called her lung disease emphysema. I never referred to the COPD this way because, as a kid, I learned emphysema caused a kind of drilling out of the pulmonary tissue, basically, turning lungs into Swiss cheese. Knowing the Swiss cheese effect of emphysema, I much prefer the term COPD.
The first time she suffered from a mini stroke startled me. When I went in to give her medications, I couldn't stir her. She was unresponsive for hours. The first time lasted about twelve hours. The next day she was exhausted. As her brain malfunctioning increased, the mini strokes lasted longer, up to twenty-four hours.
In April 2016, she fell out of bed and broke her jaw. The doctors refused to do surgery because, as they said, the anesthesia would have caused the brain malfunctioning to increase and, basically, turn her into a vegetable. The falls came more frequently in October and November. Around 3 in the morning, after hearing her dog's insistent barking, I found her asleep on a cold tile floor.
In 2021, when Bob was in hospice, he suffered one of these mini strokes. His stroke looked a bit different than my mom's. His head wobbled when I tried to wake him. His jaw went slack and he came in and out of consciousness but, again, I couldn't wake him. Back then, these mini strokes lasted anywhere from fifteen minutes to an hour.
Sadly, the mini strokes are coming more frequently. The most recent occurrence was Monday, November 18th, and the one before that happened November 6th. The one on the 6th lasted about three hours. The one on Monday lasted nearly six hours.
Bob used to fall but most of his falls happened before, when he was still able to sit up and get out of bed. He's fully bedbound now and has suffered no falls in three years or so. One might think that no falls is a good thing and it is but when I weigh a lack of falls against the fact he can no longer lift his hand to grab a potato chip off of a plate or hold a glass to his mouth to drink, no falls doesn't give me great comfort. Plus, when the falls started, I quickly bought a bed rail thereby stopping future falls. There's nothing to stop his mini-strokes. No bedrail will help those.
This recent increase stroke gives me pause. As I eluded to before, I lived this experience with my mother. The strokes are bright flashing signs of caution and feel like harbingers.
I don't talk to Bob about the strokes. He lived the same experiences with me while we were caring for my mother and he saw her strokes. He knows what a stroke is--mini or otherwise.
People ask me if I can give him any medication for the strokes. Doctors treat strokes with blood thinners and Bob is already on those for his heart valve. His valve sits directly below a looming aortic thoracic aneurism--a threatening little balloon in the aorta.
There's more. There's so much more but at some point these posts take on a complaining tone. I don't want you to think I'm complaining. I'm not. I'm talking/writing through things that I am having difficulty coming to terms with. My husband is slowly, slowly, ever so slowly leaving me and I'm terribly sad about it.
I know there are many people in worse predicaments. I guess, I needed to vent a little. And if you're having troubles too, my heart goes out to you. I guess we can all hold each other in prayer and whisper, "Just hang on."
God bless you all. ~Susan
Here are five short Bible verses for all the brokenhearted people who might be reading this post...
Psalm 55:22: "Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved"
Isaiah 41:10: "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand"
Psalm 9:9-10: "The LORD is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for you"
Psalm 34:18: "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit"
Romans 8:26-28: "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness"
I love those scriptures. They do comfort.
Terry Persun has a new book out entitled Fatal Blow.
Mayor Jenkins is found dead in his own garage while his wife is out of town. Fuller and Walker are thrown headfirst into a tangled web of secrets and lies they must sort through to find the truth of the mayor’s murder. During the investigation, they uncover a trail of likely suspects from disgruntled employees to family members. Everyone seems to have something to hide, including those who were closest to the mayor. With each twist and turn, the pressure mounts, and the stakes grow higher. Fuller and Walker must navigate the murky waters of small-town politics and personal vendettas to unmask the real killer. To do so, they must separate fact from fiction and possibly face their own demons along the way. With its cast of colorful characters and twisty plot, “Fatal Blow” will keep you guessing until the very end.
You can learn more about Terry at his website: www.terrypersun.com.
My latest, a memoir, is out! The Heartbreak of Time Travel relays the trials and joys of caregiving a spouse.
"The Heartbreak of Time Travel is a stirring and fragmented exploration of time, love, and the grit of caregiving. Wingate, through the character Snuffy Cod, navigates a memoir of a woman caring for her husband...Each chapter peels back the layers of their relationship as she blends biting humor with raw confessions, touching on everything from the mundane rituals of caregiving to existential reflections on time, memory, and impending loss. It’s a contemplative journey that often leans into the absurd, embracing life’s messiness and fragility with a sense of irony and defiant grace..." ~Thomas Anderson, Editor in chief, Literary Titan
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