Bob used to talk in his sleep (I call it sleeptalking) and formed actual words.
Sometimes I'd slap a hand over my mouth to stifle a laugh. He had these imagined conversations with people or me. Sometimes he would become visibly upset. So, I'd rub a hand on his arm to settle the frights from any of his imagined demons.
In 2017, after he'd been stalling in actions and while he spoke, we got the diagnosis of his aphasia. While his daytime chatting had slowed, his nighttime chatting did not. He could still say words while he was asleep. I found this fascinating. I still do. He still talks in his sleep but the words now sound more garbled and mumbly.
If you think about it, typically while we sleep our body is (or should be) in its most relaxed state. So, it seemed logical to me, as a nonmedical professional, that with a calm mind, the words can flow easier.
By 2021, Bob could only still respond to me when I prompted him with, "I love you, Bob Wingate." To which he would say, "I love you too, Susan Wingate." After 22 years together, those words mean more to me now than they ever have. That he cannot verbalize this any longer breaks my heart.
He has completely lost all ability to speak. Although somedays, in the mornings when he first awakes, he can make out a breathy, "Yes."
I got him a cane--a HurryCane--with a three-lobed, rubber grip as its base. The rubber acts as a stabilizer, of course, but with three-lobes, it adds additional support and security for the user.
When I handed it to him, he was giddy. He giggled so much that I felt bad that I hadn't given it to him sooner. And I could have! I got the damn thing a couple years back but he only played with it so I stowed it into our closet.
But his forward-posture curvature has worsened. Plus, I sensed in him a fear of walking with me. We each clutch each other's arms when I guide him. One arm--his left--on my left and my right hand steadying him by his left elbow.
Still, lately, he seemed to pull against walking this way. He got stodgy and sometimes refused to walk at all. I sensed a certain fear in him about walking.
"You know, I think I have a cane. Would you like that?"
He giggled but this time the giggle sounded more like a question. Like, "Yeah?"
I whipped it out of the closet and gave it to him and he went sorta bonkers with joy. He giggled and didn't seem like he was going to stop. Giggling is how he expresses his "yeses".
He took to the cane right away.
He still plays with it but more often he uses it correctly to steady himself on our course from the bed to the bathroom.
Earlier this month, when I had my birthday, my sister, brother-in-law, my great niece, and two of my best friends showed up with chocolate, pastries and such--a scented candle (I love scented candles!) and they came upstairs where I was feeding Bob. They sang "Happy Birthday" to me. I think he thought the singing was for him. He was squeaking and giggling--visibly elated by everyone. This may seem sad to some of you but to me his squeaks and giggles are balm for my heart.
We communicate in a different way now. I watch him diligently to see if he needs something.
But lately, since he cannot speak the words, when I say, "I love you, Bob Wingate," I also say his part for him, "I love you too, Susan Wingate."
And he giggles out his yeses. What a blessing. You have no idea how special it is that we can still gaze into each other's eyes and know what we think and how we feel about one another.
God has given us these great big brains. We use far less of our brain than we should.
If we talk less and simply hear with our hearts, we might communicate more and on a deeper plane.
I don't know, I'm just spiff-balling but I know one thing for sure, I just need to shut up and listen.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger. ~James 1-19
And my favorite because I see myself in this one...
Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues. ~Proverbs 17:28
Sorry I've been "silent" of late. We've had a lot to contend both in business and our personal lives. I'll post again soon.
God bless you all!
Comments